On Being Damaged

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Broken. Shattered. Hopeless. Damaged

I’ve thought these thoughts and identified myself as these things once or twice over my lifetime. I thought that my situations would never get better, my heart would never be healed, and I would live a broken life. I believed the lie that my torn up heart would carry into future relationships or permanently break my current ones. I believed that no matter what the future held, I would be damaged; I believed that there was no possible way that I could ever find myself again.

Maybe you’ve felt this way. Or maybe you’re feeling this way right now.

Maybe there’s something in your life at this current moment that is tearing your heart apart. Maybe you lost a loved one, someone shattered your heart or crushed your dreams, or maybe life isn’t turning out the way you wished it would have. Maybe you’re believing the whispering lies in your head that you’re damaged goods. I don’t know what happened to you or why you feel this way, but I’m here to shine some light, encourage you to see the truth, and push you towards hope.

When I was going through an extremely difficult trial in life, and as I was on the floor crying for what might have been an hour, a dear friend told me that it was all going to be okay, but that I had to let myself hurt.

You have to let yourself feel the pain, love.
Embrace the situation and your inner brokenness, because there’s no good in ignoring them. Ignoring current situations is bound to hurt you down the road; many do this and result in deep counseling because certain psychological issues were never truly solved. Talk to whoever you need to, let your friends hold you while you cry, and call up your dad. Feel every emotion and every feeling.

But after you have done all of this, let it go.
You have a broken heart, sweet one, not a broken life. There is so much to live for, so much to dream about, and so much future to behold. There’s a man out there who will treat you the way you are to be treated, friends are not always backstabbers, and you will score the dream job you have always wanted. One setback does not equal defeat. One single setback means that God has something so much better planned out in His book.

There’s a future and there’s a hope. You will not continually live in pain; your heart will be mended, happiness will return, and your current situations will not last for eternity. The best thing you can do is to continually remind yourself this incredible truth.

Please give yourself time to embrace the pain, and after all of this, let yourself feel free. Go outside and take in the beauty that is all around. Embrace your beautiful personality, cute smile, silky hair, and strut your stuff, girl.

You’re worth more than you could ever imagine. And no matter what you’re going through, no matter the pain you are now enduring, I promise you’ll come out so much stronger on the other side. 💖

Credit to Grand Canyon University

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Loving A Girl With Anxiety

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Don’t baby her. Don’t look at her with a worrying gaze every time she reaches her hand out to you. She isn’t broken. She isn’t mental. She’s only human.
When she has a panic attack, don’t assume she’s faking it. Trust me, she isn’t. Hold her through her shaking, and tell her she is going to be OK. Tell her everything’s OK. Don’t think that she’s doing this for attention. She can’t help this. She can’t help what’s going through her mind. She’ll just need you to stay with her and talk to her through it. She needs you to tell her you’re there for her.
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Do not pity her. Do not keep her inside to shield her from the world. Let her live. Let her breathe. Have her face her fears.

Take her on adventures. Watch her smile light up at the world around her. Know that sometimes, her world is more beautiful than yours. Know that her world is more beautiful because you are in it.

Don’t freak out when she has a bout of anxiety for no reason. Don’t get mad, and blame her anxiety on just a bad day. Validate her feelings. Validate how she is feeling.

And don’t make it a bigger deal than it already is.

Respect her. Do not push her to over do it. When you notice her hands start to tremble, ask what is wrong. Ask what you can do. Don’t let her go into overdrive. And stay calm, because although she may look good on the outside, her insides could be screaming.

Understand you will never understand how debilitating anxiety can be. Understand you will never truly feel what it’s like to have a panic attack, or to have your heart beat out of your chest, and to have your throat close up.

Just do your best to be there for her. Listen. Respond. Take care of her. Soothe her. Ease her worries when she lists every single thing that makes her afraid. Tell her you understand. Tell her she isn’t insane. And tell her you will be there by her side. No matter what.

Realise she wishes she wasn’t like this. She wishes she didn’t have these thoughts in her head. She gets scared sometimes, thinking that she’s too much for you. She gets worried you will one day leave her.

Show her that you won’t. Show her that you’re the type of guy to stay. The anxiety doesn’t matter. Show her that you love her too much to go. Show her you care too much to ever leave.

Credit to

Lauren Jarvis-Gibson I saw these words and i had to share because as a sufferer  myself i think the clear cut way this has been set out really gives a clear message to partners on how to deal with this.

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The Truth About Depression

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“Cheer up you have nothing to be depressed about, some people have It worse than you” A sentence I am used to hearing time and time again. People view depression like you are just really sad about something, so they automatically say things like “It will get better don’t worry” or “you’ll be fine”. Now I don’t blame these people for what they say as they have not been correctly educated to understand exactly what Depression is. However my frustration when I hear those words is something I cannot control and I want to scream at these people and tell them:

fullsizerender“Do you think I want to feel this way? Do you think I want to wake up and feel this empty? Do you think I do this for attention? When you are blessed with having everything you could ever want and still feeling like you want to lay in your bed and hide away from everything! Feeling such despair that all you do is cry because it just hurts so much and you don’t know why! Do you have any idea what its like to wake up and feel like its much to get out of bed and face people because of the anxiety inside you and you can’t do anything to fix it? Have you got a clue about pretending to be happy all the time around people and getting in to bed at night and feel the tears the next morning drenched on your pillow? When you can’t fix this you feel so broken and there is nothing you can do to make that awful sinking feeling go away?”

Obviously you can’t actually say this to people so you force a smile and walk away or politely try to change the subject. This week is Suicide Awareness Week so I though I would write about depression. It is a taboo subject especially for those in the Asian community. However I know many of us suffer in silence. Why? Because we are afraid. Afraid of what people will think, people who don’t even matter in our day-to-day lives but god forbid someone in the society finds out that we are less than perfect and we become the topic of gossip for the next month. We are so scared about looking weak that we hide the truth from our nearest and dearest. Worried that people will treat us differently or make us feel like an outsider but the reality of the situation is the more people we tell, the more people in return will tell us that they probably suffer from the same or know someone who does.

Living with depression and anxiety has not been easy, sometimes you could be on top of the world and it just hits you, to try to explain it to the people around you is difficult to but we have to start trying. It is the only way that people will start being more aware and actually understanding that this is not just a phase or attention seeking, this is a serious illness.

heather-depressedMental illness be it depression or Bi Polar or anything you may suffer from, it is important to educate those around you and not hide it, this is the only way that in our society it will become acceptable. As strange as that sounds right now, it is not acceptable, it means that you are not normal because people do not understand it and have not been educated and it is up to us to do that.

Depression is like constantly having your self-esteem knocked, when you think you are doing really well or feeling good about yourself, suddenly it can hit you like a ton of bricks, you feel worthless, like you don’t matter, like you are the reason that everything is going wrong. No matter how many loved ones and support you have around you nothing changed that pain inside.

Imagine you are sitting in a dark room with 10 different doors and each door has a different voice behind it, whispering good and bad things to you and you are trying to pick one door but you can’t because you are so confused, so you sit in the middle of all these voices trying to figure out what to do. That’s what it feels like, the bravest thing you can do is seek help, try counselling, therapy and please go to your GP because you cannot fight this illness alone, believe me i have tried. To all those people that think of you any differently or don’t think you are brave for getting the help that you need, well those are the people you do not need in your life trust me!

I have lived with depression for many years and right now everything has been under control and things have been good, but as my fellow sufferers know, it can hit at any moment so i do take precautions, i still go to therapy, i have a positivity journal and i read self-help books all the time, because i am not perfect nor do I want to be but if I can make this journey a bit easier one step at a time well I’m damn sure going to try.

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The Truth About Stretch Marks

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I know exactly what you are all thinking! That I am about to write a super empowering blog about how stretch marks are ‘tiger stripes’ and they are a ‘reminder of what you have achieved in a positive way’, however that’s not what this is about. Not to say I don’t agree with the above statements because I do strongly believe it but the reality of the situation is that I dont believe it all the time.
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When I was younger I rapidly gained a lot of weight and because of that I have a hell of a lot of stretch marks!  They are everywhere, from my arms, to my legs, to my tummy and even on my backside. When I was fat, I was so focused on my size that I never even realised how many I had or that I even had them. That was until I lost weight and started looking at my body properly because I wasn’t scared to. It was then that it hit me. I looked like a two year old had got happy with Crayola’s and drawn all over me! Like i was a route planner going across the world with every step joined up.
As I traced each line and saw how visible they were, I remember that sinking feeling in my heart. I had worked so hard, cried and fought so much, but i  was being left with marks and scars! Was it all worth it? I spent two hours sobbing and frantically googling how to get rid of stretch marks and what products help or treatments that get rid of it. At that point I was willing to spend the most ridiculous amount of money to get rid of these marks that made me feel ugly.
The more I researched the more I got confused. We are always promised these miracle products and treatments but then when you read the reviews, it’s always the same sort of answer – ‘It helps a little but doesn’t get rid of them’. From Cocoa Butter and Bio Oil to Laser treatment, nothing will permanently rid me of these stripes.
After being disheartened I thought until I figure out what I want to do I will only wear clothes that cover everything! Every little mark, so no one will know the secret of what lies underneath. Then one day I was at someones house and as I was changing their mother walked in and the first thing she said to me was “Oh you have awful stretch marks you should really do something about that”. I could feel the tears prickling through and I ran straight to the bathroom and cried. After all the tears I thought you know what, sod what everyone thinks! So I tried to wear short sleeves and other types of clothes but then I heard it again from more people! You know when people try to be ‘helpful’ and say things like “oh I know this cream that will help you with that you know” or a child asks “why do you have all those marks?” All you can do is smile, nod and say thanks when you just want to crawl under a rock and hide forever.
One day I was clearing through my old things and came across some photos of myself when I was younger and bigger and I looked at them and thought Holy Crap! Was I really that big? Why didn’t I realise that I had done so well? Breakthrough. I said to myself okay I’m never going to love my stretch marks but I will find out what will help lighten them. In the mean time I’m going to focus on buying smaller sizes and slowly wearing clothes that make me feel good.
That’s not to say I felt like OMG I feel amazing because even now I still have my moments and you know what truth is we all have insecurities. You just have to remember that the woman across from you, whom you think is perfect, I guarantee she has the same worries as you about something else.
I remember having one really bad day when I went out with friends, all my girlfriends are so beautiful that I felt like the odd fat one (you know like ‘Fat Amy’ but without the confidence). Guys would look at my friends, smile and then look at me in disgust. One day, this guy came up to us and said to my friends “does your friend have a skin disease or something? Look at all those lines!”  I couldn’t even breath at that moment. My friends bless, them went in on the guy and almost broke his nose and I just stood there, my heart hurt so much like I was physically stabbed and I couldn’t even cry. I thought I was going to faint. I took a cab home that night and I refused to speak. The next few days I didn’t eat or leave my room, I was just terrified because I thought I’m never ever going to be enough for this world. I’m never going to fit in and so I may as well hide. After a few days of hiding, my amazing friends started to come over and did their best to explain how irrational I was acting and how much they loved me and how I need to love myself because I am not seeing how far I have come. Again just to shut them up because I really didn’t want to hear it, I smiled and nodded and went along with it until they left, then it was back to square one.
Weeks went by with me feeling like this and I decided to brave it and go out one day and I met this beautiful lady with her boyfriend that night. Now if you know what I’m like, you know I talk to everyone and she was telling me how she’s had three kids, how it was her first night out and how she felt like she couldn’t go out before because of how she saw herself. When I looked at this woman I just saw a tall, beautiful woman with amazing curves and I was in awe of her. I even said that to her! When I did she got very emotional and said thank you because this was the first time she felt good about herself. So being nosey I questioned why she felt that way and she told me she had excess skin and stretch marks, which is exactly what I suffered from except hers were due to pregnancy. She even lifted her top and showed me her tummy with the marks and it just hit me like a sack of potatoes, everyone has these issues it’s not just me.
The media unfortunately gives us unrealistic expectations of how we should look and what the perfect body should look like. When in fact unless you are a walking Photoshop no one will ever be perfect. There is no such thing and the quicker we realise that the better. That woman changed my life that day because I realised that the women I look at as ‘perfection’ have imperfections too and that’s what they feel insecure about. Everyone is insecure in some way or another, be it the girl that’s lost weight, the woman that’s had a baby, the body builder who has rapidly gained muscle and so many more. We have so many things that I could list but then this post would never end. The point is we are all different and that’s what makes us special. We need to start looking in the mirror and instead of seeing the negatives look at all the positives. Look at what you love about yourself and focus on that because soon that will outweigh all the bad.
So to everyone who feels less than perfect, trust me its normal and we all feel the same way. Don’t feel discouraged or disheartened, instead focus on all the good things in your life and enjoy every single moment. Start seeing yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you and I promise, you too will see the beauty in you.
If you can relate to this in any way then please leave a comment because the more people who know they aren’t alone when they feel like this, the more we can help.
Special Thanks to my wonderful friend Farrah Lewin for helping me with all the editing of this post, it was hard to write but knowing I have friends like you to support me makes it so much easier.

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Lush Honey Trap & Lip Service 

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Before you even start get your minds out of the gutter, Lip service is a lip oil that I ordered on amazon a few months ago and it has been a life saver! I kid you not I have gone from cracked, chapped, dried lips and within a few weeks they are now smooth pink and lush.

If you are anything like me and have a plethora of bad habits such as biting nails, chewing my lip, not drinking enough water and many others which I’m sure we will cover soon. Then it will come as no surprise that I have a habit of buying and trying products, however most of them do not work or I get lazy and bored so they sit in my drawer for many years until I finally decide to stop procrastinating (one of my many talents) and clean it out. I am sure I still have that blue mascara from the 90’s.  So when i do find a product that works and I mean really works I hold on to it like it’s my own child, no, really, I do and I even buy it in stock load so I never run out and that is what I have done with Lip Service.

Now before you all go and think this is some miracle oil, yes it is absolutely fantastic but it also means you have to look after your lips which means keep hydrated (Thank you to my
fairy Slaymother Nisha Davdra for that crucial advice) Obviously not just for your lips but your skin too and I have very dry skin especially in the winter so it is a must for me.
In conjunction to this oil I have been using the Honey Trap lip balm from lush and it really has kept my lips moisturised, and as I used to bite my lip so much it got really chapped to the extent it almost started to bleed but now after using the oil and balm I really don’t have any issues.

I think the worst problem when you have dry lips is whenever you use lipstick or anything on your lips you can see the cracks or the skin peeling and it looks so much worse, almost like you are a haggard 90 year old lady who chain smokes like Shirley Carter. If you are asian and have more pigmented lips then it makes it even worse, so if you do smoke just remember you are burning your lips so just be careful. That is not me judging you though, feel free to do as you please I’m just offering my two pence on how to make your lips look lush.

As they say the proof is in the pudding so here is a before and after

So here is the link where you can buy Honey Trap Lip Balm By Lush and Lip Service by Protege

This is just my personal review and is not sponsored by any of the above products.

Stay tuned for tomorrow where I talk about Stretch Marks, Loose Skin and review some products from Nip & Fab

Also will be talking about this on a new YouTube Video so stay subscribed.

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💖

From Fat To Fit

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There was a time in my life where yes i did weigh 21 Stone and no you did not misread that i was huge, to the extent that people in college used to call me Biggie and that was one the nice names. You know those people you see on tv that have trouble walking from one end of the room to the other? Well that was me and how did I get to that size? The usual answer, I was depressed so I comfort ate and then the eating would make me sad so I would eat even more and it was the cycle that I couldn’t break out of.

That was until I left home and moved to a different city and finally took control of what was in the kitchen and what I put in my mouth. I wont bore you with a diet plan or exercise regime because i totally understand that everybody is different. What worked for me might not work for you but it was more of a lifestyle change than diet. I don’t restrict what I can and can’t eat, I just limit it so i have one or two slices of pizza instead of well lets face it, an entire pizza!

So after a year and a half of some serious hard work, months of tantrums and being a moody cow about the fact that I couldn’t eat that entire chocolate brownie. I lost 10 stones and reached my target. I mean I know I have a way to go to get the right shape and tone up my body but I know if I can shed that much fat I can do this.

Although my point of the post was to talk to you all about how I felt when i was fat, and how when i look in the mirror i still feel like that fat girl sometimes. Being fat feels like you are trapped sometimes in this shell and no matter what you do, nobody will ever see past it. All they see is a lazy eating machine that sits around and is utterly gross. You can hear the whispers in the streets or some people will outright just call you fat and ugly and laugh in your face.

The innocent children will point and giggle and say that you resemble a whale. The sales woman in the high street shops will look at you and ask if you need any assistance but give you that look that says you know we don’t have your size. So you end up ordering clothes online and get frustrated when you have to send things back 20 times because nothing fits properly. The tantrums you have because you have about 4 items that actually fit you in the closet and you have already worn them 3000 times.

Sometimes catching yourself in the mirror and feeling so hideous that you physically make yourself vomit. That my friends is the real reality of being fat and not loving yourself. Now I’m not saying everyone who has a bit extra on them feels like that, this is simply how I felt.

It was at that point after my divorce and other problems in my life resolved that I finally had time to focus on myself, to learn to love myself again and that was even before I lost the weight. I had to see myself through the eyes of people that love me, that saw the Meera that was funny, spontaneous, slightly mad, kind, generous and well Mostly Meera.

After i realised i am worth more than I ever thought, I lost the weight and became independent away from all the negativity and it was then that everything fell in to place. Now don’t get me wrong my life is far from perfect but thats exactly what I love about it. However I am so much more positive now and I love myself and my life. I feel blessed and grateful but to all those millions of people who have been through the same thing or are going through it, just remember you are not alone and it does get better I promise.

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I’m Back

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Hi Guys

So a quick update, firstly i would like to say sorry for not being around for ages. I was going through some major things so my social media was kept very limited. However i am back now so you will be seeing more of me on a weekly basis which means weekly blogs and vlogs and other social media.

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